Hello! I am not sure how many people will actually read this blog, but I am okay with that. This blog was created for me. A place for me to deal with all that has been thrown at me in my life. If anyone decides to join this wild ride, that's great.
I am not going to go way back. Those experiences will come out as I write. Parts of me will be revealed throughout this blog, and I am sure everyone can't wait ;)
The reason for this blog, you ask? Well, my husband and I decided to have a human family last May. Human family?! Okay, yes, before I sound crazy, my husband and I have quite the fur family. We adopted two cats and a dog. Anyways, being the naive 26 year old at the time, I thought we would get pregnant immediately and our happy little family would be created. Yeah, not so much.
The first time we got pregnant was October 2012. I remember that day exactly. I came home from work early with a horrible headache, and something inside me told me I was pregnant. I took the test, and bam, there were two wonderful lines. I was jumping up and down and quickly called my mom. Coincidentally, my mother-in-law was there as well. Tears were shed, and we were on cloud nine. A few weeks later, I went into the doctor to get my blood work done. I left the office with every hope any new mom would have. That was crushed a few days later. The doctor informed us that my levels were low, and a miscarriage was possible. The next few weeks were absolute hell. Every week I had to go in for an ultrasound, and every week I was given hope and disappointment. We would see the sac, and the doctor would say that was a good sign. The next time, the sac wasn't growing, and sadness completely consumed my body. Too early to tell, they would tell me. This went on for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, on November 28, the doctor put us into the "room," and she told us the bad news. Blighted ovum. I was given two options - surgery or the pill. I was told the pill was much like a period and was the preferred method. Surgery could cause scar tissue. Well, I took the pill, and it was the WORST thing I have ever experienced. I was literally in so much pain; I withered on the bathroom floor. I couldn't move. I was vomiting, bleeding, and, yeah....that other lovely symptom. This physical pain lasted for days, and I was so incredibly weak emotionally as well. I went back to work after a few days...things were going okay, and then I started gushing blood. Pants soaked in front of twenty two sixth graders. I felt like one of them, just getting their period. Apparently, this was a possibility with the pill they gave me. Well, at least I won't have to do this again, I told myself.
The second time we got pregnant was in March 2013. The story I told you above basically repeated itself. This time, however, I decided to get a D and C. It was better for me physically and emotionally. The hardest part was going back to work. Being an actress for eight hours in front of teenagers is no easy feat. Well, at least I won't have to do this again, I told myself.
The third time we got pregnant was in June 2013. Everything was different from the other two. I went into the doctor, and my levels were right on track! My progesterone levels dipped a little, so I took a supplement. Otherwise, things were great. I went in at 7 weeks, and we saw the heartbeat. I was FINALLY going to have the baby of my dreams. A few weeks later, I started having some spotting. I went into the doctor, and it was confirmed, no longer was there a heartbeat. Is this some sort of cruel joke? My doctor put my husband and I in this room for what seemed like forever. I was screaming, crying, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She told us the news that no couple should hear one time, let alone three times. We opted for a D and C again, especially since I was about ten weeks. We were referred to a specialist to see what the deal was, to see if there were any answers. Well, folks, there aren't. My husband and I are genetically perfect. We are that 1% that just seems to have bad luck. Fucking fabulous, isn't it?
I should mention that I don't think I'd be here without my husband, family, and friends. I've not been an easy person to be around, especially with the fluctuating hormones.
Here we are again. Found I was pregnant two days ago. You know what sucks? I cannot be happy like everyone else. Everyone else jumps up and down, screaming for joy when they see that "Yes." But, I've been robbed of that experience. Instead, I get filled with disappointment, terror, fear, wonder, impatience, waiting to see if this time, I'll finally be a mother.
